IF MY MOM WAS STRICTER

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This year, I started making big decisions about how I want to show up for myself career-wise, the type of community I want to build on social media, and how God can use me. Regarding that last part, I realize now that it wouldn't have even been a thought had my mom been stricter or tried to play the role of a father as a single parent. What finally led me to seek God was my willingness to read. I read Genesis and thought about how wild the stories were, and then I'd relay them to my family. I continued reading while taking notes on God's role in every story. God's role in my own story was what I was missing all along: a father. After reading the Bible back-to-back, I kept returning to it. This time, my focus was on Jesus, and I started to perceive Him as a brother. In my mind, fathers are strict, but brothers can talk them down or help them see reason. It will all make sense when you read the Bible—I promise. My sweet mom, I now realize, is perfect just as God intended ...
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Self-Sabotage: A Girl Stuck By Her Own Doing

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Often times I get paralyzed by my own fear, fear of success, fear of losing the comfort and fear of risks.


I start a project and have it all layered out but when it comes to execution, I'm suddenly thrown into self-sabotage, the "what ifs".

What if no one supports me. What if I fail. What if its not perfect. Here is my personal favorite, quite unusual too. What if I succeed too much that I become detached.

I'm not saying it's my personal favorite because I have accepted that I do not want to succeed. No. I say that because attachment to me is addition. What if I become too obsessed with making money? 

Oh my God I'm laughing at that last line as I type this.

My mom today, 16th June asked me probably for the 10th time what do I want to do.

I sat there tea in my hand grinning like an idiot while also praying for her to change the subject, so I said to her I wanna make money. She said "you have the tools what's stopping you?" In my head I gave her a list of all the business plans I wrote, the projects that needed implementing. 

My lack is not thinking of a way to make money, Its exposure, I'm well aware. I mean I sold Avon and I never went door to door.

I could blame lack of support but my family tried.The lack of tertiary background the list goes on. I feel stuck maybe because, I want to start of perfect. And while I market myself I want no rejections. I want the journey to be comfortable. How silly.

The question is. Am I too much in my head?



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