Going Back To Being Childlike

I cannot seem to remember when exactly did the approval of others started to matter to me. When did I all of a sudden get shy and embarrassed. Why did I stop being a child?.

Now that I think of it, I do remember. 

It's a family gathering and my mother just went out to an event with a friend, she probably thought because there's family everywhere then her babies are safe, loved.

It's true, we were loved and protected. 

But for an energetic child like myself, something was shifting. The look of scorn here and there, that said sit your ass down or go play outside. 

I looked outside and no child was my age and the young but older kids were playing together. But I'm too young for older kids, too old for younger kids. 

There's a chance that I panicked at the thought that I'm alone, nobody wants to play with me.

Could it be that when I danced in front of the adults they only clapped because mommy was there? They clapped because i was the shit, or that because they were simply too merry?.

As I crew, I started seeing things that a kid could see but should never pay a mind to. 

Adult disdain looks when my mother was not there, how we were of a different class, how I always had to be the one to go out and seek friends to play, how I depended on my sister's presence to be at ease. 

How chubby I was and that I didn't wanna be seen in my new clothes.

Did anyone around me notice, how my energy was getting different? How this bubbly person's confidence started to decline. 

I stopped dancing.

I stopped playing.

My teens were a blur of hormones, boyfriends, crushes, academics and finally I wasted my late teens and most of my 20s. 

A lot happened but to me it is all a blur.

As I cry writing this it's all because memories of things I have repressed are surging into my mind.

Why do I feel like going back to being child like? Choosing not to stress about the unknown, the future and things I cannot control?. 

Well I know.

I met Jesus. And He said in Matthew 19:14 “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”

I will then read, write, organize and build. In the midst of all, I will dance and laugh. 

And hopefully my memories will not be filled with, What Ifs.