Self-Sabotage: A Girl Stuck By Her Own Doing

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Often times I get paralyzed by my own fear, fear of success, fear of losing the comfort and fear of risks. I start a project and have it all layered out but when it comes to execution, I'm suddenly thrown into self-sabotage, the "what ifs". What if no one supports me. What if I fail. What if its not perfect. Here is my personal favorite, quite unusual too. What if I succeed too much that I become detached. I'm not saying it's my personal favorite because I have accepted that I do not want to succeed. No. I say that because attachment to me is addition. What if I become too obsessed with making money?  Oh my God I'm laughing at that last line as I type this. My mom today, 16th June asked me probably for the 10th time what do I want to do. I sat there tea in my hand grinning like an idiot while also praying for her to change the subject, so I said to her I wanna make money. She said "you have the tools what's stopping you?" In my head I gave her a ...
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Embracing Life's Journey

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Embrace /verb/

To accept readily or eagerly.


Example: She embraced the journey willingly and with enthusiasm.


The pashmina I'm wearing in the picture belongs to my mother; I sold it to her when I was selling Avon. Today, I went straight to her closet to find something to cover up with, and this little act reminded me of a time I was younger and the consequences of picking through her closet uninvited had me face-to-leather with the belt lol. During those times, I wasn't anxious. A trouble maker yes—but never worried.


This past month and a half, I’ve been to and from my first-ever job. I’ve met some nice people, all older than me and experienced in both life and work. When I'm there, I clock in so focused on my job. There are times when I make mistakes with my orders and feel irritated at my co-workers due to miscommunication. I could go on forever about the working conditions, but I’ve learned to tell myself, You’re doing okay. Now I just go to work not because I want money, but because these people have grown on me, it's much better than being a couch potato.

Heck, I didn't think I'd last, I wanted to leave because—what is a job compared to my last relationship that lasted a week?


I’ve been trying to live my life according to a certain plan, forgetting that plans can change. And for every failed plan, I was ready for the anxiousness that came after.

When did we become so comfortable with anxiety?


I realize now that I do not want to be at the mercy of a person, money, or my desires—only at the mercy of God. Living by my understanding has led me nowhere so far, but I know my God won’t misguide me.

So I will be embracing life’s journey.




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